Nick’s 2008 Review

As I write this it’s just a few days before the end of 2008. Despite writing for magazines for years I still don’t fully understand publishing deadlines so you’re probably reading this in mid-March and you’re approaching the end of the tax year which is much much less exciting.

At the end of every year I like to take stock of my accomplishments, after listing them (a very short process) I then look up the document I wrote at the beginning of the year stating my goals and resolutions (a much longer list). I then spend several days under a continental duvet with a large bottle of scotch contemplating my car crash of under achievement.

So let’s not do that together – it’s mid-March and I’m sure you don’t need reminding of all those things you meant to do in 2009. I will however tell you about my 2008 highlights – or more accurately highlight and my resolutions for the coming year.

It’s tough to think of a more remarkable year in poker – a year which saw the birth of the ultimate pub quiz question – can you name all seven dwarves (everyone forgets Bashful…mainly because he was always in the background; on account of the bashfulness) and can you name the November Nine? If you can do both you’re immediately eligible for Mensa membership and a lucrative position on the Hurrahs marketing board.

For me 2008 was the usual mix of limitless variety, from commentating on poker, to playing poker, to writing about poker each day brought a new adventure…in poker. Despite meeting a lot of great players and personalities this year, travelling to tournaments round the world and playing thousands of hands picking my highlight of 2008 is the easiest call in the world. This is because 2008 is the first, and I suspect last year, in which I played beer pong for $1000 a cup.

If you don’t know what beer pong is then you’re like me shortly before playing the game for five figures and obviously haven’t attended an American college. In short it’s a bar game where you throw a ping pong ball into your opponents cups which contain some beer. If you succeed they have to drink the beer and remove the cup. First one to clear their opponents cups wins. It’s a lot of fun, it gets harder as the more you play (due to the effects of alcohol on humans) and it’s very silly and random. It absolutely is not suitable investment vehicle for a potential $10,000 profit or loss.

The details of how we got to that point are a little sketchy however it involved, Vegas, a party, a few high stakes pros (who I won’t name, probably more to their annoyance than anything else) and some beer. Two of the pros present, one my friend and other member of our two strong team, got embroiled in a battle of wills, egos, and small white air filled balls. We lost the first two games – game one for $10 a cup and game two for $100 a cup. At this point the silliness should have been stopped especially if you were my partner and had seen me almost put the lights out and actually put someone’s eye out with my wayward shooting. However beer, Vegas and a tinsy weensy bit of male ego held sway and someone uttered the immortal line ‘how about we play for a thousand a cup?’

Now don’t get me wrong I love a silly bet for cold hard cash. Ever since I found out as a child that they make almost twice as many white cars as the next most popular colour and used it to fleece my sisters on long car journeys. Truth be told I actually lost money playing this game – what can I tell you I run bad. But this was beyond silly this was tossing ping pong balls into beer for the equivalent of a car – not a good car or a new car but ..you know .. still a car.

I pointed out to my partner that he should pick another partner perhaps one who actually had ten thousand dollars in cash or could actually shoot straight – or even see straight. However he was adamant we were a team; I was touched by this show of loyalty until I found out he’d used my novice ineptitude to extract ludicrous (given how random the game is) 2 to 1 odds.

From the start we ran good. We were shooting the lights out – figuratively this time – and they were rimming out with every shot. We built up and early lead and I decided it would be a good time to start trash talking. This produced the obvious result – I stated playing horribly and they got super serious and started coming back. However my partner was still firing on all cylinders and we kept the lead until we were left with one cup to hit – them with two. I stepped up with a chance to win by 2 cups and get paid double odds.I was preparing to launch a ping pong ball worth $4,000.

The baying crowd suddenly went silent, the slot machines stopped ringing, all eyes were focussed on my pulsating yet unwavering hand (none of these things actually happened but hey it’s my highlight of the year so…). I zeroed in on my target and my beer induced fogged lifted for just a moment. I pitched and drained the shot. Cue ludicrous over celebrating, embarrassing trash talking and grown men hugging.
I’m reasonably willing to bet that beer pong has never been played for such high stakes or will be again – unless of course the young men in question to make another donation.

It’s a good story and all true. Sadly it wasn’t for my money; I neglected to mention the quite word with my partner that if he honestly thought I’d be betting up to 5 grand on a game I’d just learnt 20 minutes ago he’d got the wrong man. It takes the edge of the story but hey – when it really mattered, I made the shot.

So there we are the high point of my year in poker was throwing ping pong balls into cups partially full of beer for someone else’s money. I’m going to need a bigger scotch bottle.

Right that’s all fine but it doesn’t leave much room for new year’s resolution…right…um…okay…I promise myself I will get someone to put me in a tournament and then run like God and despite making countless fundamental errors take down the title, the trophy and an enormous stack of cash so that this time next year this column is being written by a sylph like Latino lady scribe as I dictate it from a playing card shaped throne with built in stroking devices as I look out over my infinity pool in my discreet cliff top hideaway. That’s my resolution and do you know what I’m ruddy well going to stick to it.

Originally published in Bluff Europe Magazine

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