Heads Up

I need to learn the difference between having fun and doing something seriously. In fact I need to learn when having fun becomes serious (apparently it can be anything from one night to about 6 weeks depending on the girl).
Last week I came in from working all day and wanted to chill out – unplug and relax. A few options occurred; a gentle trawl through some hardcore pornography or maybe through on ‘Spirit’ by Leona Lewis and sink into a deep bubble bath. Instead – and this may not be a shock – I opted for some online poker.

As I was playing ‘for fun’ I decided to play some cash heads up. There is no way to accurately quantify the size of that mistake. I wanted something different from my normal game but heads up cash, though potentially lucrative, is in no way fun. It’s a duel, a war – a test not only of your poker but your character and heart. It’s not something you should be doing if you’re a few minutes away from a radox and a power ballad.

In fact scratch that heads up cash poker is more than that; it’s the saviour of the game. For all of the US network television reading this (which is basically all of them) stop screening preflop -ooh it’s a race situation donkaments; cancel the full ring wait two hours for hand cash games and start making massive heads up cash game matches. Let’s see Townsend vs Brunson, Greenstein vs Durr, Caby vs Negreanu for big piles of cash. Oh and let them talk and barb and needle each other as much as possible and let’s really see whose balls are biggest (my money’s on Kathy Liebert). Now you can finally use all your cod sports phrase when covering poker instead of having some guy lose a race and then asking him ‘what went wrong / what was your game plan / did you not want it enough’ blah blah bollocks. Oh and make it go on for hours or preferably days (you could watch live online or the highlights show on TV later – I’ve got it all figured out) until their eyes bleed and they’re tilting off hundreds of thousands. Now that’s a TV show.

Such thoughts of titanic confrontations sponsored by a lite beer were a long way from my ‘bit of online fun’. I got ahead early – I was relaxed, having fun with my feet up and a big cigar on (the cigar is metaphorical). I’ve managed to make a buy in from my opponent and it’s all very – well – enjoyable. That bath is calling again as I think about logging off and actually getting some rest. (readers who feel a car crash coming get extra points). Then a hand comes up where we play a big pot. I’ve been betting all the way with top pair, okay kicker when he makes a big, overpot bet on the turn. Immediately this is strange as he hasn’t made a move like this all session. One of the great things about a heads up match is the ability to frustrate your opponent and get him to do something dumb. I call to find out this is what’s happened and he’s shoved on me with an underpair. Great news – I’m about to be surrounded by bubbles another buy in to the good when the random number generator decides to put a twist in my reality by serving him up his miracle trips on the river.

Now if you were a rational individual with a good 12 years poker experience how would you respond to this situation? Would you shrug, see that as the end of tonight’s ‘fun’ poker or would you succumb to the red mist, sit upright in your chair and open a second heads up table swearing to get even?

All of you who guessed the second before have clearly never read this column before or clocked the title. Sad to report that my luckbox friend on the original table kept hitting miracles and the heads up regular on my new table had no problem out playing my tilting self. Remember heads up cash is not for fun and a big part of that is because the swings are brutal. In an hour I’ve gone from relaxed happy go lucky up a buy in funster to bleary eyed, frustrated, mildly nauseas down 4 buy ins degenerate. Eventually I realise the foolishness of it all and, overwhelmed with self disgust, manage to close my tables.

As a result of this childish behaviour I have decided to treat myself like a child. First of all I put myself in poker jail. No poker for Nick for three days until he’s learned his lesson. Secondly as I write this for you I have a sticky on my monitor saying ‘are you playing seriously or for fun?’ If I’m playing for fun I’m not allowed to go anywhere near any kind of cash game. So let this be a lesson to us all – going from fun to serious is well…no fun. In addition to my punishment I have also decided to find better ways to relax and have blocked out time for at least two deep soaks a week and some quality ‘me time’. ‘Nick’s big poker bath’ – now that’s a TV show.

Originally published in Poker Player magazine.

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